Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
the simulation is moving too fast
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁