[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.