When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.