*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.