maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Geez man, take it easy.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.