I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head