I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Jail
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?