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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.