We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Going to church you guys need anything
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
and now we wait
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.