Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
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Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything