Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
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If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
🖤✌🏽
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.