If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.