People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok