Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
getting groceries
The happy life.. 😊
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does