When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Batman v Dracula
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
the clam before the storm
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.