Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind