Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
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Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.