This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
You Might Also Like
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.