Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Möther may I have a snäck
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.