me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.