spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Kids, do not try this at home!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!