I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Hot Hot Hot
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over