When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP