I’m good, thanks.
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again