“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
yeah 😭
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets