If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
good let them take over I have had enough
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.