I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I hope it’s French Onion!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.