I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Don’t tell me what to do
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?