Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Very good news from my accountant
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos