Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.