A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.