Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
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Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you