Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
You have been warned.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
That’s a good costume, I hope.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”