they should invent a rest for the wicked
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
These 3D printers are insane!
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…