Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
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Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
respect
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
mmm onion ringos
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.