If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
A double negative is a big no-no.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Challenge accepted.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.