An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.