A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
mumsnet is amazing
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields