Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Stop.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat