Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
You Might Also Like
*jingles half the way*
Feels
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Hilarious if literal: arms race