What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.