Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
#SCOTUS one-star review
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.