Name this drama.
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.