nice challenge
You Might Also Like
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
that’s really how it is
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.