When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!