here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
True?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”