Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
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Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
no regrets
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*