talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Twitter fine art
new career option?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?