Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
peak technology
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra