No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
You Might Also Like
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.